Letting The Freaking Out

In no particular order here are the things that make me want to curl up in a bottle for a little while

I only have three weekends to get my house packed for the big move.

I have four short weeks to find a nanny.

While talking to Boss Lady she said she will retire in approximately three years, and she wants me to think about taking over the department.

If I do want to take over the department that gives me three little years to get a degree.

If I decide to get my degree (which is something I have wanted to do) I would be going to college for the first time while working full time, going through a divorce, and adjusting to living alone again as a single mom.

The kids keep getting bigger and smarter each day no matter how much I beg them not to.

My Buckaroo will be starting Kindergarten in two months.

I’m trying to quit smoking. (Almost there, but I smoke when stressed so now might not be the best time for me.)

Planning the activities for our Take Your Child To Work day in August. The officers of the parenting group at work wanted us to form committees so they didn’t have to do it all, but now want to be involved in everything and are making things a thousand times more difficult than they have to be.

I could go on and on but really what is the point? I refuse to drink anything harder than coffee right now and this list is making me want to smoke. I think I will go for a walk instead.

My Bruises Have Bruises

I attended the exercise class I was talking about in my last post. It did not exhaust me, but it might still kill me. I am doing the one hour low impact class and a few co-workers are trying to coax me into the high impact on Thursdays as well. I don’t see that happening any time soon if the way I have felt since is any indication.

Class is held on the first floor in our large banquet hall styled rooms conference rooms. These rooms are in very high demand and constantly have furniture arranged and rearranged to suit meetings. To get there I have to leave my department wander past the executive suites, down four flights of stairs, and past the reception area. None of this occurred to me until it was time to change for class. I brought a pair of shorts and tee since I have been wearing skirts. I grabbed my clothes and ran into the bathroom for a quick change. Going back to my desk to drop off my work clothes and get my water I told everyone who turned not to look at me. Everyone of course laughed at me and stared anyway. I just am not comfortable walking around the office in shorts during business hours and seriously my pasty white legs are enough to blind people. I slipped downstairs and eased into the room hoping to fade into the background. Since there were only three other people my pasty legs were a new sight everyone had to stare at.

We got started after all the other people with body issues slunk in by doing a fast side skip back and forth across the room, it is like running sideways so I huffed and puffed and jiggled across the room. 10 lunges for each leg followed by another exercise and I was thinking it wasn’t too bad, I can do this. Repeat same exercises 12 times, then 16, then 20 times. There was some grumbling and moaning but we got through it. Then it was time was to get friendly with the carpet where the fun began. The carpet is as industrial as you can get without sacrificing appearance. It is carpet tiles so as a portion gets stained, torn, or worn out they replace the tile with a new one. The carpet looks fine when standing on it but I had to give myself a serious pep talk to lay down on it to do sit ups and scissor kicks.

Since I have lost almost three inches around my waist and stomach I was feeling pretty good about my ability to knock them out. I struggled and swore my way through the 10 sit ups then breezed through the scissor kicks. Proud of myself for forcing my way through the sit ups I sat tall waiting for others to finish up. Then we were told just like washing your hair we had to rinse and repeat 12, 16, then 20 times. Are you kidding me I barely got through 10 sit ups now I have to do more!? Forgetting to grumble I went straight to swearing. Do you realize my stomach hasn’t worked that hard since I to force two children out of my body and it is still on strike? By the 5th sit up of my set of 12 my tail bone was protesting, by the 10th of my 16 set I had bruises on my shoulders from my bra straps.

When we finally gave up and lied to the instructor that we had done them all we moved on. Flip onto our stomach and do push ups into the cobra position then rest by doing the superman (on your stomach lifting your arms an legs off the floor.) in the same 10, 12, 16, and 20 sets. By that time I was past the point of caring about how dirty the floor was, it was my best friend and I just wanted to stay there for the night.

At one point I asked Boss Lady who had given up and was sitting the round out if I could just go back up to my desk and finish the report that had been tormenting me for a week instead of finishing class. Of course not so onto the toe touches and front touches. My knees refused to stay down so the instructor that had been too busy strutting around decided I needed his helpful input in keeping my heels down. When he finally realized that I wasn’t going to fawn over him he went back to strutting around for the chippies in the back who were more concerned with looking cute in their little exercise clothes than doing the exercise. The other instructor realized how useless the first guy was and came over to correct my posture and check on Boss Lady still sitting out. I will make sure I am on his side next week even if I think he is the devil’s minion when he tells us to do more because he is actually there to lead class, help, and motivate us.

After we finished all the exercise we thought we had to do he told us to start over and do 20 more of each! The sit ups were less than pretty but I strained and clawed my way through. For those of you counting that made 78 sit ups within an hour for some one who hasn’t done them in close to 10 years. It is almost a week later and my ribs have finally stopped hurting, my knees have decided to bend again, my bruises have faded to the sickly yellow green color, and my stomach still twitches at the thought of going to class again. I haven’t forgotten how amazing and empowered I felt after class so despite the mind numbing pain I felt for days I will be back to swearing and accumulating more bruises tomorrow. I will brave the basement and any creepy crawlies lying in wait for me for my exercise mat so I do not have to endure the carpet again and maybe save some bruises in the process. There are some limits to how far I will go to fit into my pre-kids clothes.

Guess What? Kids Tell

As Angel walked Rockstar out to the car tonight he told her I was being mean. He quickly followed up with ‘Don’t tell her I said that.’ She marched in the house mad because he thought I was being mean to him and he told her not to tell. I don’t know if she told me I wasn’t because she really didn’t think I was or because she was trying to spare my feelings.

Looking back on the conversation I can see why he would think that. I was kinda snippy and didn’t greet him with open arms, but I’m pissed. I’m mad that he acts like he still lives here and checks the mail and doles it out. That I have no idea when bills are going to be automatically paid from my account because they are being forwarded to his house. That he called yesterday and said that he might not be able to take the kids for a sleepover he promised them tomorrow because the band has to make an appearance at a show. That he hasn’t seen the kids since last Thursday, he saw them tonight, he’ll see them tomorrow (because I had a fit), briefly on Wednesday morning then not again until Monday again. That only after he was telling Angel when he would see her again and she started crying, he told her he would come over on Friday without asking me if I made plans for the day, which I did. That he thinks it is okay to be a Dad when band will allow instead of on a set schedule and telling band that spending time with his kids is important. I’m mad that I have no idea when I will get money for daycare or the other bills relating to them or how much it will be. That I am the one at the house sorting, packing, and cleaning for all of us and he just picked what he wanted and left the rest of the stuff for me to deal with.

I know my anger serves no purpose, and don’t solve anything, but I can’t help feeling resentful and angry. When Angel walked in and told me that he said I was being mean I saw red. How dare he say that to our daughter? I don’t care if I was mean or not, to say that to our very sensitive child was irresponsible. Buckaroo is too young and more resilient, he doesn’t think that way and hasn’t learned that words have such power. He would have shrugged it off without a second thought, Angel took it to heart though. It wounded her to hear one person she loves so much say something about another person she loves so much.

I have always tried to temper my words in relation to him because little people have big ears and I don’t want to do that to them. I don’t want them to see their father through my eyes, they deserve to think he is superman and can do anything. I will do whatever I can to help them keep that image as long as they can, but damn it times like this make it really hard. I guess the only thing I can do is what I have been doing. Being the best Mom I can to them and try to watch what I say and how I say it. I am working at living a good and loving life and making the best life I can for the kids. It is not my job to carry his emotions and I have a right to be angry just like he can be hurt or angry. For the sake of my kids, if he thinks I am being mean I will examine if I am and maybe I have to find a better to express my frustration. I am starting a new exercise class at work so hopefully that will help by exhausting me to the point I don’t have any energy left to be angry.

What Did I Just Do?

I think I may be sick. I just agreed to pay a ridiculous amount of money each month for an apartment, an amount I am not completely comfortable with. I have my lease signing on Tuesday when I must pay them the first payment of an obscene amount they will receive from me each month. I am scared to death I will screw this up for us. I am sad because this makes it real. There is no turning back from here. I don’t want to say goodbye to the first house I have ever lived in, and am just all around shaking in my boots. I think I will go sit in the corner and rock myself for a while.

Sometimes Mirrors Lie

I read a book when I was a teenager about eating disorders, it was titled When Mirrors Lie. I don’t remember much about it or who wrote it, but the title has stuck with me for twenty some years. That was the first thought I had when I saw the pictures from this weekend. When I looked in the mirror before I left Saturday I thought I looked fat but didn’t care because it was just for Girl Scouts and running around with my family who was in town for the weekend. Then I saw a picture of Angel Cakes taken Saturday and I was standing off to the side. I was surprised, I didn’t look half as fat in that picture as I thought when I left the house. I could put the picture as the desktop on my computer without cringing every time I saw it.

I weighed myself Sunday morning and was happy to see my number had gone down even more, and I am now only five pounds away from my target weight. I still have a lot of toning to do before I fit into my target size, but that is okay because I know I will get there. And let me just say because I have been thinking it for a while, telling me I ‘just need to tone up’ is still calling me fat. Yes, it might sound nicer, but it comes down to the same thing. This is what Rockstar would tell me when I talked about how well I was doing with the Get Healthy program. I wanted to hit him every time he said it.

Now that it is just the kids and I our diet is completely different. Pasta and bread is 100 percent wheat instead of a 50/50 mix. There is salad with every meal, and snacks/desserts now consist of fruit and yogurt. Rockstar has a fast metabolism and a very physical job so he eats a lot at each sitting and is solid muscle regardless of what he eats. While that is great for him now, looking at his father he knows that tide will soon turn but he doesn’t care. Since I can’t control what the kids eat when they are with him, I am doing my best to make sure the kids understand the difference between healthy choices and ensuring they eat healthy with me.

My favorite blogger Barista has talked about how she is running and a lot of people I know have also started running so I started thinking about it. My walking is great but I want something more. A few weeks ago as I was doing my circuit around the neighbor hood I just started running. Okay it probably looked more like a crazed jog, but it was a lot more than the fast walk I normally do so it totally counts as running. I blame it on going down slightly down hill combined with the right song coming on. I don’t know if it was the tempo of the song and the one after or my desire to outrun the thoughts and emotions they invoked, but I ran for over 10 minutes before my phone ringing broke my stride. I do know that it is not something I will be doing again any time soon, at least not until I get the proper attire for it. I hate the jiggling of parts I am not used to jiggling. So if anyone knows where to get a pair of budget friendly shorts or pants that would stop that I would love a recommendation!

I will try just about anything to get my mirror to stop lying to me. I know that involves getting in a healthy frame of mind as much physically healthy and I am working at it. I am trying to focus on the positives and seeing myself as a strong confident woman. When people comment on how fabulous I look or tell me that I am disappearing before their eyes to know that it is working and they are just being nice. That I am not the person I was three months ago. I am learning to love myself again and that is a great feeling. It is hard, every day feels like a battle, but by the end of the day I generally go to sleep feeling okay if not good about myself.

On a happy note my hair has reached a length I love. I decided to let it grow out and now I am seriously loving my hair. The best part is the only thing required to make it look super cute is a couple bobby pins or barrettes when it is wet. I don’t even brush my hair, just wash it and pull it back wet. Voila instant hairstyle with riotous curls. I LOVE IT! Barista, I promise to have pictures of my new hair and the kids up soon.

Driving A Racecar At A Snail Pace

One thing I have noticed as I think about where the kids and I will move is that I move at a slower pace now. When we moved into the house in our cornfield town I was constantly going, I talked and walked a lot faster. Life was moving at lighting speed and so did I in order to keep up. I don’t know if it is because the town with it’s rural charm and laid back atmosphere, a product of being a working mom, or my marriage but I lost that somewhere along the way. I lost my drive.

While that is not a bad thing for people at certain times in their lives, when I sit down to make a five year plan and goals it sucks. I coasted along the last few years not really thinking or planning because I didn’t have to. I had a good life that I loved most days and didn’t see a need or want to change it. If my life was the same in five years I would have been okay and happy. Now I don’t have a choice, I have to make a plan for myself and by extension for my kids. I have a lot of short term goals, moving to a new place, enrolling the kids and helping them be ready for their first day of a new school, and getting through the first year of being a single parent, but they don’t roll up to anything. Next year I will be in the same place and still won’t know where I am going.

When I think about where I want to be in five years I know I don’t see myself still doing what I’m doing. I don’t know what else I want to do, but know if I don’t do something I can just stamp DONE on my career. If I truly didn’t want more that would be okay, but I do want more. Do I want to take over our department when my manager retires in seven years, do I want to become a Director, or would I be happy with a lateral move to a new department? Mostly I want to shake off this lethargic feeling, I want to feel invigorated, engaged, and passionate.

I know I am at my best when I have a plan or goal I am working toward. It makes it harder for me to make excuses, I hold myself to a higher standard when I know why I am doing it and what the payoff will be. So this week the kids and I will make a schedule of chores they will do to help me around the house, I will make an exercise plan for myself, and hopefully in doing those it will shake something loose for my five year plan. When I look at the apartment near Shutterbug and Bloggy SIL Wednesday night I will keep these thoughts in mind and look at it as our home for the next five years and make a decision based on that. Will this new place in another tiny town perpetual the lethargic feeling or will it help me feel strong, confidant, and driven to make changes?

I don’t want the kids to just coast through life without direction and not know where they are going. While Buckaroo tends to be shyer than Angel Cakes they both have strong wills and are natural leaders. What type of example am I setting for them if I just let things happen and don’t take charge of my own life? I want them to feel empowered and know that anything is possible if you work at making it happen. With that to motivate me how could I fail once I am committed to something?

How do you get yourself going? Do you have a five year plan or react when opportunity knocks? What is your motivation?

Family And Finding Our Way Though

Thursday afternoon I was working at home trying to finish my work so I could spend time with the kids when my phone rang. Thinking it was my sister I almost didn’t pick it up. I would call her back later, we talk everyday so I didn’t think it was anything earth shattering. When I saw who was calling my eyes flew to Rockstar (formally Hubby). who was sitting five feet away. It was his brother. I never get calls from Shutterbug, he calls Rockstar or his wife Bloggy SIL calls me. After an awkward call from his mom on Mother’s day I asked when he planned to tell his family when he picked the kids up that night. His mother is an amazing person who I normally love to talk to, but when she asked when Rockstar would be home from his show the night before I didn’t know how to answer. She obviously didn’t know so I evaded because I couldn’t stand lying to her. Thursday I considered not answering the phone but since Shutterbug never calls me I answered anyway.

Wondering what he knew I tentatively greeted him. He chatted for a minute before getting down to the purpose of his call. He had been thinking of the kids and I for the last few days a wanted to call to see how we were doing. Shutterbug may be younger than Rockstar but he is very protective of him. The second time I met Shutterbug the three of us went to see a Cubs game. Rockstar fell asleep on the way home and that is when Shutterbug turned to me and asked me what were my intentions with his brother. So not kidding. I thought only Dad’s in movies did that.

The kids and I didn’t go to church with Shutterbug and Bloggy SIL last week because I didn’t want the kids to slip and say something before Rockstar told his family. So when Shutterbug told me that he would really love for the kids and I to go this Sunday I was without words. He want on to say how much he loved spending time with us on Sundays, that I always arrived with a smile and coffee for both of them, and he hoped it wouldn’t change. His phone call meant so much. I thought about it for days.

I wish my sister would call Rockstar just to give him the same courtesy, to let him know we would always be family, but I know she won’t. She is angry for the way he left, the way he has been on the perimeter of our lives for a while now, and just angry in general. I know family tends to band together and protect the person who is hurt and get angry at the person who caused the pain regardless of if it was intentional. That is what family does, or at least my family anyway. So the call from Shutterbug meant so much. Not because they think he is right or I am right, it is the ability to see both sides. To not side with either of us, but love us both unconditionally.

The kids had a sleep over at Shutterbug’s house on Saturday so of course they wanted to talk about it, to understand. They didn’t play twenty questions instead let the topic come up and understood and respected my reluctance to talk about some of it. I tried to answer the important things, but didn’t want to answer anything in a way that would place blame. We are both to blame and our actions speak for themselves.

After church the kids and I returned to their house long enough to get their stuff but left before his parents arrived to have brunch with them. Part of the reason is I had things to do at the house, but I am also a coward. I couldn’t handle having the conversation about what happened twice in two days. The only reason they know anything is because last Sunday Angel Cakes made a comment about having dinner at Daddy’s house. I don’t know what Rockstar told his parents when they asked about her comment, but I know they are responsible for telling Shutterbug. I have no doubt that the state of my marriage is going to be the primary conversation today. Yep, I am too much a coward to face that firing squad.

It occurred to me last night when I updated my status on FB that Rockstar had no idea the kids were having a sleep over at his brothers house, or that I scheduled a sleep over at my sister’s house next Saturday. Am I supposed to call him and tell him or is that not necessary? On one hand I would want to know if they were having a sleep over when I thought they were with him, but since I have primary custody right now and he is only spending time with them when he gets them from daycare it is not the same. I guess this is just one more thing we will have to figure out as we go.